To: All Employees
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd
at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a
small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And
don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light
the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at
that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and
your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important
holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this
year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Winter Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that
reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore.
In
addition, forget about the gifts exchange__ no gifts will be allowed
since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
It has been brought to my attention that some of our employees
celebrate Ramadan as their high holiday. I had no idea we had such a diverse
work force. The "Winter Holiday Party" will now be renamed the "Winter
Solstice Party".
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
December 4th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I have been informed that the Winter Solstice is a religious day for
some pagan sects, so the party has been renamed the "Winter Holiday
Party".
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
Pregnant women will sit closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
Is everybody happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people - nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO as
Santa. While "Santa" does happen to be an anagram for "Satan," there is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians __ I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put
it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But,
you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear
me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Patty Lewis is on her way to recovery from her stress-related illness.
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our Winter Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
